...they call me K.D.
When I live in the past,
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I. tO s E L f - mEd i cAte ,
tO FiNd wHaTs M i s s i nG .
.
"Addiction is the disease of wanting more," ( Michael Stein , 'The Addict' ).
Ever since I can remember I always admired the 'happy' people.
The ones who got excited over prom or a football game.
That was Never me.
Even though I hung out with the popular, "perfect" girls who seemed to have it all, I never truly felt that I fit in with them. It was a constant struggle for me to be excited or happy about the high school fun times, I always preferred isolation to a group of people at a club. I tried to like it, tried to be more 'outgoing' but soon learned there is only so much you can change about yourself.
I never really called it depression because it was all I ever knew, so to me it was life, My Life, unfortunately.
There was a point in life where I was confident. I use to put on "concerts" as we called them, where we made up dances to Madonna and Paula Abdul songs and performed them in front of the entire neighborhood. I'm guessing sometime between 9-11 years old something changed.
The world seemed darker, negative, people judged me I can still remember every bad thing someone has said about me since.
I started to experiment with drugs early in life. Despite the fact that I was the youngest of four and grew up with two brothers who were both drug addicts from an early, early age and I seen firsthand what drugs do to people and the suffering families go thru right along with them. Being the youngest, I always felt I was the 'last hope'. I felt like I had to be "good", had to be my best, and most of all; HAD to be drug-free.
Even today being in recovery I still feel I let my Mom down - and if my Dad is looking down on me; he is just as disappointed, trust me.
***********************************
II. a quEsT t o HeAL m y MiNd .
"Pain doesn't Hurt, when it's all you've ever felt," (author unknown).
The first time I smoked weed, I think I was probably 12, I didn’t feel anything spectacular. My first experience with alcohol I was probably about 10-11 when a friend and I snuck four wine coolers from my older sister. When I was 13 I had an 18 year old drug addicted boyfriend. At this stage I wasn’t using drugs, mainly because my brothers would have killed me if they found out and since we hung around with the same people I couldn't have gotten away with it. Anyways the guy I was with; he was smoking crack, taking dozens of thorazines and xanax, weed, you name it he was doing it. We would drive around in his Camaro, and he would actually fall asleep driving and we would end up sitting on the side of the road waiting for him to wake back up...sometimes I thought this was the 'last time', but he always woke up somehow . After awhile of being together I started to use acid (LSD) with him. We would go to places like Bonds Lake and just sit there thinking, and looking at the trails and the beauty that LSD gives everything, even a simple leaf or a single blade of grass. I would once in awhile smoke weed with him, and one time I know he laced it, it had to be because I can remember it felt like I was gonna have a heart attack, my mind was racing and the room was spinning, all I seen was black spots all over. He never admitted it but it had to be something in it and it scared the shit out of me.
His best friend which was also someone who my brother and I grew up with, his name was “P” ended up OD'ing (heroin and/or ectasy?) and passed away. So did another one of the girls who hung around, she took too many Quaaludes and never woke up. These were kids from LaSalle, which was a average middle-class area I'm talking about, not from bad neighborhoods or poverty situations like one might think.
A month after I turned 15 my Father died suddenly.
He was MY WORLD.
I have never felt Love the way he loved me since and I know nobody will ever feel like he did about me. There wasn't one day that went by that he didn't tell me how much I was Loved and just how special and beautiful that I was to him. He loved me and my brother unconditional, and I Thank him for being the loving Mom that I am today to my kids.
It was so hard forme to accept the fact that he was really gone. Super hard. Again, my world changed; I was now more then ever, a scared, insecure and lost, depressed little girl.
From that age on, drugs always played a role in my life. Did em' all at least once…except for heroin, that was one drug I swore I would never do. And I didn’t either, until 10 years later...
*****************************
III. wELcOMe t O oPiOiDs .
"There is no training to prepare you, no textbook to teach you what you go thru being opioid-dependent. Life as you once knew it is now so far in the past you cant even recall how it was to be 'normal," (Me).
Wow, I Finally found the cure, the answer, the missing piece, the PERFECT drug; hydrocodone's.
Well, what do ya know, I finally found a drug with NO bad side effects. Unbelievable.
It was like I finally found what I have been missing, what my brain was lacking all my life.
I thought that this is what 'normal' people must feel like, not too high, not too low, no paranoia, no red eyes, no nodding, no hyperness, just Perfectly balanced, Content; was the word. I felt like all my restraints hit the floor, I was focused, Motivated, PRODUCTIVE. Every insecurity I held evaporated and I seen the world and life a whole new way. I felt a whole new way. I felt Happy.
(What I didn't know then, couldnt possibly see, was that this would be a very short-lived happiness. You see, thats how the whole process of trapping you begins. Because there IS NO magic bullet, There is NO SUCH THING. Yet you couldnt have convinced me otherwise back then , just as I, today cannot, no matter how hard I try convince the 'new' addict of this fact either. I often find the same responses from the ones just starting their 'nightmare;' "I only take them for pain," or "I only take one/two a day." Yeah, and so did I back then. ) Because what at first is one or two per day Quickly, too quickly turns into 7-8, then 10-15 per day, and then there is NO AMOUNT that will satisfy you. So then you turn to Oxy's and you take 4 and then 7 and then...some turn to heroin....and on and on... It then turns into a ongoing depression, a rat-race of running from being sick, constant worry, and stress you would and could NEVER have imagined beforehand. This is where your life becomes a living Hell, a REAL nightmare..).
And it's at this point when you wish, plea, and hope that you could just go back and be normal.
TO BE CONTINUED...
tO FiNd wHaTs M i s s i nG .
.
"Addiction is the disease of wanting more," ( Michael Stein , 'The Addict' ).
Ever since I can remember I always admired the 'happy' people.
The ones who got excited over prom or a football game.
That was Never me.
Even though I hung out with the popular, "perfect" girls who seemed to have it all, I never truly felt that I fit in with them. It was a constant struggle for me to be excited or happy about the high school fun times, I always preferred isolation to a group of people at a club. I tried to like it, tried to be more 'outgoing' but soon learned there is only so much you can change about yourself.
I never really called it depression because it was all I ever knew, so to me it was life, My Life, unfortunately.
There was a point in life where I was confident. I use to put on "concerts" as we called them, where we made up dances to Madonna and Paula Abdul songs and performed them in front of the entire neighborhood. I'm guessing sometime between 9-11 years old something changed.
The world seemed darker, negative, people judged me I can still remember every bad thing someone has said about me since.
I started to experiment with drugs early in life. Despite the fact that I was the youngest of four and grew up with two brothers who were both drug addicts from an early, early age and I seen firsthand what drugs do to people and the suffering families go thru right along with them. Being the youngest, I always felt I was the 'last hope'. I felt like I had to be "good", had to be my best, and most of all; HAD to be drug-free.
Even today being in recovery I still feel I let my Mom down - and if my Dad is looking down on me; he is just as disappointed, trust me.
***********************************
II. a quEsT t o HeAL m y MiNd .
"Pain doesn't Hurt, when it's all you've ever felt," (author unknown).
The first time I smoked weed, I think I was probably 12, I didn’t feel anything spectacular. My first experience with alcohol I was probably about 10-11 when a friend and I snuck four wine coolers from my older sister. When I was 13 I had an 18 year old drug addicted boyfriend. At this stage I wasn’t using drugs, mainly because my brothers would have killed me if they found out and since we hung around with the same people I couldn't have gotten away with it. Anyways the guy I was with; he was smoking crack, taking dozens of thorazines and xanax, weed, you name it he was doing it. We would drive around in his Camaro, and he would actually fall asleep driving and we would end up sitting on the side of the road waiting for him to wake back up...sometimes I thought this was the 'last time', but he always woke up somehow . After awhile of being together I started to use acid (LSD) with him. We would go to places like Bonds Lake and just sit there thinking, and looking at the trails and the beauty that LSD gives everything, even a simple leaf or a single blade of grass. I would once in awhile smoke weed with him, and one time I know he laced it, it had to be because I can remember it felt like I was gonna have a heart attack, my mind was racing and the room was spinning, all I seen was black spots all over. He never admitted it but it had to be something in it and it scared the shit out of me.
His best friend which was also someone who my brother and I grew up with, his name was “P” ended up OD'ing (heroin and/or ectasy?) and passed away. So did another one of the girls who hung around, she took too many Quaaludes and never woke up. These were kids from LaSalle, which was a average middle-class area I'm talking about, not from bad neighborhoods or poverty situations like one might think.
A month after I turned 15 my Father died suddenly.
He was MY WORLD.
I have never felt Love the way he loved me since and I know nobody will ever feel like he did about me. There wasn't one day that went by that he didn't tell me how much I was Loved and just how special and beautiful that I was to him. He loved me and my brother unconditional, and I Thank him for being the loving Mom that I am today to my kids.
It was so hard forme to accept the fact that he was really gone. Super hard. Again, my world changed; I was now more then ever, a scared, insecure and lost, depressed little girl.
From that age on, drugs always played a role in my life. Did em' all at least once…except for heroin, that was one drug I swore I would never do. And I didn’t either, until 10 years later...
*****************************
III. wELcOMe t O oPiOiDs .
"There is no training to prepare you, no textbook to teach you what you go thru being opioid-dependent. Life as you once knew it is now so far in the past you cant even recall how it was to be 'normal," (Me).
Wow, I Finally found the cure, the answer, the missing piece, the PERFECT drug; hydrocodone's.
Well, what do ya know, I finally found a drug with NO bad side effects. Unbelievable.
It was like I finally found what I have been missing, what my brain was lacking all my life.
I thought that this is what 'normal' people must feel like, not too high, not too low, no paranoia, no red eyes, no nodding, no hyperness, just Perfectly balanced, Content; was the word. I felt like all my restraints hit the floor, I was focused, Motivated, PRODUCTIVE. Every insecurity I held evaporated and I seen the world and life a whole new way. I felt a whole new way. I felt Happy.
(What I didn't know then, couldnt possibly see, was that this would be a very short-lived happiness. You see, thats how the whole process of trapping you begins. Because there IS NO magic bullet, There is NO SUCH THING. Yet you couldnt have convinced me otherwise back then , just as I, today cannot, no matter how hard I try convince the 'new' addict of this fact either. I often find the same responses from the ones just starting their 'nightmare;' "I only take them for pain," or "I only take one/two a day." Yeah, and so did I back then. ) Because what at first is one or two per day Quickly, too quickly turns into 7-8, then 10-15 per day, and then there is NO AMOUNT that will satisfy you. So then you turn to Oxy's and you take 4 and then 7 and then...some turn to heroin....and on and on... It then turns into a ongoing depression, a rat-race of running from being sick, constant worry, and stress you would and could NEVER have imagined beforehand. This is where your life becomes a living Hell, a REAL nightmare..).
And it's at this point when you wish, plea, and hope that you could just go back and be normal.
TO BE CONTINUED...
"and This Too
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This is My Dad Joe Slattery , who taught me who is the most important influence in my life. Even though he died when I was only 15, he taught me the most important lessons needed in life. I Miss Him DAILY.
God Grant Me
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